Am I a High-pressure parent? Am I doing enough for my child?

High-pressure Parent

Am I one of them?  ‘The article that launched a thousand discussions.’  What will it do in yours?

We are investing more time and money in raising our our children than our parents did.  Whose interest are we serving – theirs, or OURS?

A regular follower of the Karena Arena sent in the link to the article.  She knew it would spark conversation in this group and hit all our hot-buttons and shared interests:

Future of Work.  Parenting.  Education.  Health & Wellness

How right!  Go on.  Read it.  You, too, will want to add your comments and reflections.

Written by Ryan Avent, senior economics editor for The Economist, who is the parent of a six-year-old, it debated a host of issues – mainly discussing why the pattern of parenting has shifted so dramatically, particularly over the past 20 year.  This was the first time I had been introduced to the phrase ‘high-pressure parent’.

My first reaction to Mr. Avent’s opening comment was visceral:

In whose interest?

“THEIR’s!  Of Course!” I shouted back through the screen.

Silly question, I thought to myself.  Which parent would voluntarily place themselves in a position to risk their retirement, their homes, their privacy and the comfort of their sunset years?

If all I want is a status symbol, doing it via my child’s success is a little like going to Vegas and putting all my money and energy on Red 16 and letting it roll.  The odds are too long, and the risk too high and I don’t expect any payout.

However, if I want my child to be fulfilled and content in the long healthy life they will have ahead of them (80% of which they will live after having left home) regardless of what the future will throw at them – I will gladly take on those odds.

I agree with the article.  There has been a distinct shift in the balance of time, money and energy that we spend with our children since the last generation.  But why?

Future of Work.  Financial Crisis of 2008.  Demographics.  Science & Technology.

In 2014, over 32 percent of millennials were living at home after graduating – either commuting to work or looking for work, often underemployed.  This generation of parents is the first that is potentially supporting their children well past the traditional 21st birthday.

So, yes.  Things have changed for Millenials.  And therefore things have changed for us parents.

I appreciated the economics perspective and challenges that the author debated.  Today, though, I will concentrate on the parenting, and particularly the challenges we face as we debate the impact of our decisions on their schooling and extracurriculars.

The Pressure positions in the Parenting Arc

When you don’t know what you don’t know

Granted, Mr. Avent and I are at opposite ends of the parenting arc.  With two young children, he is the parent I once was.  I saw myself echoed in his writing, sitting on the park bench watching his 6-year-old play carefree, listening to other parents talk about summer camps and enrichment programs and asking “Am I doing enough?”

Until age 13, it is all about discovery.  Discovering what makes your child light up.  Dinosaurs or Tutus.  Comics or Facts.  Stars or Soccer.  Gymnastics or Robotics.  And realizing that each of us unique (i.e. if one child likes hockey you cannot force the second one to like it too, just so you are on one chauffeuring schedule!)  Sometimes it is an extra-curricular activity.  Other times it is quiet family time and shared moments that create a space for conversation, play, dreaming, and exploration.

One of my favorite memories was looking up at the night sky with my Dad and learning the stars.  Years later, on days when I felt far away from home, I would look up and know that we were sharing the same night sky.  A few years ago, on Earth Day, I watched my husband repeat that same activity with our children.  The stars.  Finding our way.  Continuity.  Across generations and centuries.

The average family calendar at this age is usually a color-coded chart worthy of an air-traffic controller.  But it does not have to be about competing to be best.

Releasing the pressure?

A great way to relieve the pressure during these growing years is to Make Great Memories.  Take moments in the week to reflect on what went well.  Encourage gratitude.  Model stress relief practices such as sports or meditation.  Talk.  And share as many meals together as possible.

Teenagers and the pressure on parenting

I am the parent of a sixteen-year-old almost ready to head out of high school.  Now I am awake at night asking “Have I done enough?”  Have our choices and decisions created more opportunity or less?

 Do I do too much?

That someone with all the data, stats and graphs at his fingertips worries about the right way to raise their child in this era gave me hope!

So what perspective can I offer?  All I can offer is how the balance switches between age 6 and age 16.

I had posted a FB live video with a teaser about this blog post.  On that day, I had already chauffeured my child to catch an early morning bus to a competition and then had to wait around to catch the sunrise.   Was I doing too much?

I argue no.  Nowadays, our car rides are not about creating a competition mindset, but they are about the only time we get to spend in un-plugged conversation with our children.  We are supporting young adults who are exploring which activities and interests resonate with them; which might be the spark of a life interest or career; the discovery of their tribe.  As my children approached high school, I noticed a shift away from being the organizer and towards being their guide.

They discover a camp or a club from a peer or via the internet.  They volunteer at pet shelters, organize food drives for their local homeless, run fund-raisers to get clean water to a village half-way across the world, and travel to help build schools.

Pressure

I loved the metaphor of pressure.  Yes, as parents we are the ‘adults’.  We have been around more, seen more and know more of what awaits our ‘cherubs’ once they graduate high school, college or university.  We want to offer them the world on a platter, and protect them from all pain.  For centuries, this has been the unspoken hope and pressure of being a parent – give our children a happy childhood and then “see them happily settled”.

Nowadays, settled includes higher education and a career (and less of finding them a suitable spouse!).  The Future of Work that awaits this GenZ is going to be dramatically different from the one that we matured into.

A lot has changed in 20 years

Because the world that awaits in 2017 is very different from the one that was in 1997 when Mr. Avent entered university.  His life story was inspiring to read (as a success and transition coach and) as a parent.  He graduated as an engineer, and then went on to become senior economics editor for The Economist.  In a meritocracy, it just mattered that he could get the job done.  Can this hold true for the next generation?

I believe the very nature of work will change dramatically over the next decade.    Nothing new.  Happened before.  At the dawn of the industrial era.  At the end of each World War.  And now it is happening again.

Most savvy students today know this too.  Which puts additional pressure on us parents to manage expectations and keep just enough tension on the wire, but not too much that it snaps.  I think the phrase ‘High-pressure parent’ refers to the fact that the pressure is ON the parents!  We know the stakes.

Pressure cooker

Just as with a pressure cooker, we need to know when to release the pressure and move things back from a boil to a simmer.  As parents, the pressure is on us to model coping behaviours and healthy ways of relieving stress – sports, meditation, conversation, nature.

The Why matters

Each parent is going to make their choices for different reasons.  Each parent will place pressure on their children based on their life story and experiences.

Living as long as I have, what is absolutely certain is that we cannot forecast the future.  The best-laid plans can get derailed by a foreign job assignment or a family illness.  To me, therefore, it is less about ‘positioning’ your child, and more about educating them.

Given that choice, I would rather invest in WHO I want my child to grow into, rather than WHAT.

Giving them the confidence to try new things and to embrace failure on the road to discovery, teaching them resilience and to risk visibility.

Not all such lessons come with a high price tag.  Sometimes, we are able to do that at the dinner table. Or by watching the stars.

*} … {‘

} … First, let me say “Hallelujah!  This is exactly how I envisioned the Arena!  A central clearing house for topics that concern us, interest us or that are taking up mental real-estate – and that trigger us to think deeply.  So Thank you for emailing me!  Please send me more material!

} … What dinner table, water cooler or cocktail party discussion did this generate?  Was it different on other continents?

} … What did the Ryan Avent not address that is worthy of being included in this discussion?

I hope to see comments (or guest blogs) back from across the arc – new parents to the veterans, high school students, teachers and post-secondary graduates, working and those struggling to find a paycheck.

Because if there is one thing I realized, perspective is everything, and times change.

HOPE FOR THE BEST, PLAN FOR THE REST

Whether it is time management, money matters or career ideas, Karena works with her community of clients to make life simpler and more efficient, and to manage transitions by bringing an uncommon perspective to what is common.

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THANKS, INSPIRATION, REFERENCES, CITATIONS

• Sharon – for bringing this article to my attention
• Economist Magazine: High-Pressure Parenting https://www.1843magazine.com/features/highpressure-parenting
• Parents’ definition of success is stressing out their children. South China Morning Post http://www.scmp.com/comment/insight-opinion/article/1355233/biggest-stress-students-parental-pressure
• Why Affluent Parents Put So Much Pressure on Their Kids The Atlantic https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2015/11/pressure-affluent-parents/417045/
• The effects of academic pressure on kids http://www.modernmom.com/the-effects-of-academic-parental-pressure-on-kids-120265.html
• College grads moving in with Mom and Dad   http://www.cnbc.com/2016/06/10/more-college-grads-move-back-home-with-mom-and-dad.html
• Family dinners- Most important thing you can do with your kids   https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2015/01/12/the-most-important-thing-you-can-do-with-your-kids-eat-dinner-with-them/?utm_term=.31558386423f
• Image credit – QuebecMeme (French), 9GAG.COM (English)