Till Death Us Do Part – a Parent’s love letter
Parenting is a little like standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon.
The first time you visit this natural wonder of the world, you realize nothing actually prepared you for this moment. No matter how much you researched – read books, stared at photos on calendars, watched GoPro footage or talked to people who had been there – nothing, NOTHING prepares you for that first sharp intake of breath, the intensity of emotion as you watch the majesty unfold in front of you. The natural cathedrals and canyons, the complexity of layers and colors, the play of light, the sheer immensity.
Parenting is like that
Nothing prepares you for the actual intensity of emotions. Like the moment you hold your new baby in your arms, and your world shifts on its axis, your relationship with time changes and you realize that this commitment – THIS commitment – truly will be ‘till death us do part’.
But as much as parenting fills you with awe, it claws at your heart too.
Parting is such sorrow
A few weeks ago I put my son on a plane for a semester in SE Asia. And my heart broke.
Don’t get me wrong, I was prepared – I thought. After all, it is only a few months. I had spoken to other parents, read blogs. My brain was ready for this – proud of the young independent man we have raised, pleased that his grades grant him this privilege, honored that his curiosity makes him anxious to explore the greater world, curious to see the knowledge of the cultures he will bring back with him.
Logically, I was prepared. But the heart – well, the heart was just not ready for that kind of separation.
Nothing prepares you for letting go
When I got home I called my parents. And I wept. Because my heart was broken, and I needed my Mother.
And because I had to apologize.
30 years earlier …
Because 30 years ago, almost to the day, I had hugged my parents goodbye in a different airport. Filled with excitement and adventure, I boarded a plane for a different continent. That ‘short contract’ converted to a full-time position and a new life – and I never again ‘came home’, except as a guest on vacation.
30 years later …
I finally understood the pain they had experienced in letting me go that cold winter day.
And the grace with which they had done it.
And the way that they had modeled the proud and confident mask I, in turn, would have to wear at an airport 30 years later as I hugged my son goodbye.
I offer this as my Valentine’s Day gift to my children.
Each time you let go of my hand – first day at kindergarten, first time driving solo, first day at university, at an airport – my heart breaks a little. But I am so proud of each of you and all the growing you keep doing. No matter how far away you may be, you are always close at heart.
And for all the parents who are getting ready to, or have recently let their children step forward into new lives and new experiences, I know it does not get easier. But I offer something that helped me through that first week:
Dedicated to my parents, for loving me enough to empower me by letting me go.
To my children.
And to all parents who have lost a child.
‘} … {*
HOPE FOR THE BEST, PLAN FOR THE REST
Whether it is time management, money matters or career ideas, Karena works with her community of clients to make life simpler and more efficient, and to manage transitions by bringing an uncommon perspective to what is common.
Like this post? Please subscribe to email alerts below to catch new posts and follow the Karena Arena on FaceBook.
Very well written and moving. Had me in tears! You captured the emotions so well that I am dreading and looking forward to helping my girls soar.
Love you too. What I learned from Mum and Dad was how they modeled being a great parent – in allowing me to explore when every fibre of their being was probably screaming NOOOO! Major lesson to remember – make great memories!
I remember the day that I drove away after dropping each of my children off at college…
Such a push/pull isn’t it? You want them to grow and be confident, but each time, a little extra of your heart walks away with them. And you are nostalgic for the toddler days when those pudgy fingers grasped yours at the most inconvenient times! But as I said to my son before he left: been there, done that. Now it is his turn. PS – and it was you who influenced me to do it!!!
Lovely post, Karena. Wonderfully written too.
Thank you Sharmila. Head vs heart.
Thanks Darling Karena!
Yes, you actually had me in tears. Very well written and we are very proud of you and your achievements.
It brought back memories of the day I left home in 1959. My parents were so heartbroken. In those days there were no telephones to keep in touch. So you can imagine their agony! We had never flown before on our own. The only consolation was that I was travelling with my sister and we were going to live with our brothers in Kuwait. While in your case, you were going to a foreign country on your own and knew no one over there, albeit we were able to keep in touch by phone. It was very worrying and difficult I can assure you. I love you lots. God bless. Mum xxxx
Thanks for showing me the way, for modeling the tougher moments of parenting. It was challenging, but easy, to raise these children – because they were within arms reach. I have to trust in the Divine as they move further away – that they will be protected, that they will be welcomed by others and that they will be safe and happy. And technology has shrunk the distance where we have daily texts to connect us within minutes, instead of once a week phone calls, or in your case the eagerly awaited air letter forms. Thank you both for holding so much courage for me.
Beautifully written and shared. I know I am not ready! I have been inwardly grieving since I realised my eldest will be leaving this year, 2 years earlier than I expected him to go…….and now the race and pressure to do what ‘you think you should do’ to ensure he will be safe out there and prepared for the big world. I hate that he will be a ‘visitor’ each time he comes back!
My heart goes out to you. First let me say that your son does not have to come home as a visitor. My children have 3+ months of summer break, so they definitely come home to stay – and do the dishes and take out the trash! But as you say, it reminds each of us that we should always ‘Make Great Memories’ with our families. I loved returning to my home, for however short each time, because of the great memories, and because it restored my equilibrium and refilled me with warmth and support to be able to go back out there.